Failing at Lent

Is it possible to fail at observing Lent? When I'm feeling particularly theologically astute I think that my struggles with Lenten disciplines are reminders of my humanity and the frailty of my incarnation. Today I just feel like a failure. I'm doing well with my added spiritual disciplines. But my sacrificial disciplines are a mess. And the contentment I feel in the former does not compare to the angst I feel for the latter. I am trying to have a holy Lent. Right now it feels wholly holey. And so do I.

A Working Sabbatical

Is a working sabbatical an oxymoron? Am I out of my mind for agreeing to do anything including preaching which I love and writing a book that is practically writing itself? Right now I don't want to do anything but sleep and eat. And I need to exercise. Don't get me wrong, I have been resting and engaging in copious amounts of self care. I have been having lovely comforting, soothing prayer time. I'm even watching lots of tv. But right now I am exhausted. Weary. And I don't know why. And I'm getting a good night's sleep every night. Now I'm just breathing. One breath at a time. And then another...

An Annunciation (Passover) Theology

God has shown strength with God's arm;
God has scattered the proud in the thoughts of their hearts.
God has brought down the powerful from their thrones,

 and lifted up the lowly;
God has filled the hungry with good things, 

and sent the rich away empty.
God has helped God's servant Israel,

in remembrance of God's mercy, 

according to the promise God made to our ancestors,

to the descendants of Abraham through Hagar and Sarah and Keturah forever.

"God has..."

The Virgin proclaims that God has already done all of these things, in spite of all evidence to the contrary, in spite of her present reality.

God has shown strength with God's own arm at varying points throughout Israel's history, and the memory, witness and testimony of their ancient scriptures and new psalms to God's strength, willingness and power to save in those times is enough for the present moment. In the face of the mighty Roman Empire, what God has already done is enough.

God has scattered the proud in the thoughts of their hearts in the songs and stories of old enfolded into the scriptures of Israel. Herod's arrogance goes yet unchallenged but God has unseated the proud from their thrones in their hearts and halls before and it is enough.

God has brought down the powerful from their thrones inside and outside of Israel, whether or not they were enthroned with God's blessing. God has deposed other gods from within their own realms. Caesar or any other would-be god, it matters not. God has done it before and can do it again. And that is enough.

God has lifted up the lowly time and time again. In spite of the biases of Israel's story-tellers and scripture-writers, the God of Israel visits and blesses women and children and slaves and foreigners. A peculiarly pregnant girl-child and her post-menopausal cousin with her own pregnancy predicament may be beyond the notice of Rome, but not God. And it is enough.

God has filled the hungry with good things in the before times and every once in a while in our time. People still go hungry, people still die in squalor, taxed to death by Rome and Romanesque imperial imitators, but God still provides unexpected and unimaginable blessings. Our people will not be starved to death and pass out of existence on God's watch. Some of us will survive and that is enough.

God has sent the rich away empty in our stories and songs and scriptures. The glory of Rome is not eternal. Ask the Egyptians, ask the Assyrians, ask the Babylonians, ask the Persians, ask Alexander the Great, if you can find him. God has done it before and that is enough.

God has helped God's servant, in our faithfulness and in our faithlessness. God has been faithful. In our history, in our memories, in our scriptures, God has been faithful and it is enough.

God has remembered God's promise and will keep it. Our prophets Miriam and Moses taught us to hold God accountable to God's promises. They bargained and argued with God and never let God forget God's promises to our ancestors or to us, their descendants. Even when the promises have not yet been kept, God remembers and that is enough.

Dayenu. "It is enough." This is a Pesach (Passover) theology.

Dayenu, is the refrain and title of what may be the most familiar and popular Passover song. The song says that if God had only... and lists the miracles God performed for the ancestors, if God had only done one and not these that followed, it would have been enough. Dayenu.

In 2011, the Feast of the Annunciation precedes Pesach, by less than thirty days. In some years they have overlapped more closely. And it occurs to me that the theology that the Ever-Blessed Virgin named for Miryam the Prophet of Exodus is proclaiming is Dayenu, Passover theology.

The Holy Mother of the Word-Made-Flesh is herself a Torah-sage and she teaches us. Her perspective on the yoke of Roman oppression that strangled her world is framed by the memory of what God has done for her people and her ancestors. And by what God is doing to and through her: Kedushat haShem, sanctifying the Divine Name. 

Kedushat haShem, sanctifying the Divine Name would come to be the way in which the actions or martyrs were expressed. For me, the Mother of Sorrows is also the Mother of Martyrs. And there have been enough. Dayenu.

Truly all generations call you blessed.

My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, 

for God has looked with favor on the lowliness of God's servant.

Surely, from now on all generations will call me blessed;   

for the Mighty One has done great things for me, 

and holy is God's Name.

Methadone Dreams

I fight to let go of the past 

but it haunts my dreams

I cannot relinquish this addiction on my own.

There is no sequence of steps, no support group, 
no ritualized speech for dreamers.

There are only these dreams

day dreams which pale against the dream I had.

They take the edge off the ache.

Perhaps soon I shall need them less and less.
Yet even methadone is addictive.
I don't want to wake from these dreams.

Somebody Almost Walked Off Wid Alla My Stuff

Somebody Almost Walked Off Wid Alla My Stuff

For coloured girls who have considered suicide when the rainbow is enuf

Ntozake Shange

[A favorite that I had the honor of performing in college.]

 

somebody almost walked off wid alla my stuff 
not my poems or a dance i gave up in the street
 but somebody almost walked off wid alla my stuff

like a kleptomaniac workin hard & forgettin while stealin
 this is mine

this aint your stuff

now why don’t you put me back & let me hang out in my own self

somebody almost walked off wit alla my stuff 
& didn’t care enuf to send a note home sayin 
i was late for my solo conversation
 or two sizes to small for my own tacky skirts

what can anybody do wit somethin of no value on
a open market

did you getta dime for my things

hey man 

where are you goin wid alla my stuff

to ohh & ahh aboutt

daddy

i gotta mainline number 
from my own shit

now wontcha put me back

& let
 me play this duet

wit silver ring in my nose

honest to god

somebody almost run off wit alla my stuff

& i didnt bring anythin but the kick & sway of it 
the perfect ass for my man & none of it is theirs 
this is mine 

ntozake ‘her own things’ 

that’s my name
 now give me my stuff

i see ya hidin my laugh

& how i
s it wif my legs open sometimes

to give me 
some sunlight

& there goes my love my toes my chewed 
up finger nails

niggah

wif the curls in yr hair

mr. louisiana hot link

i want my stuff back

my rhytums & my voice 

open my mouth 

& let me talk ya 
outta 

throwin my shit in the sewar 

this is some delicate 
leg & whimsical kiss 

i gotta have to give to my choice

without you runnin off wit alla my shit

now you cant have me less i give me away 

& i waz 
doin all that

til ya run off on a good thing

who is this you left me wit

some simple bitch 
widda bad attitude

i wants my things

i want my arm wit the hot iron scar 

& my leg wit the
 flea bite 

i want my calloused feet & quik language back
in my mouth

fried plantains 

pineapple pear juice 

sun-ra & joseph & jules 

i want my own things 

how i lived them


& give me my memories 

how i waz when i waz there

you cant have them or do nothin wit them

stealin my shit from me 

don’t make it yours 

makes it stolen

somebody almost run off wit alla my stuff 

& i waz standin
 there 

lookin at myself 

the whole time 
& it waznt a spirit took my stuff

waz a man whose 
ego walked round like Rodan’s shadow 

waz a man faster
n my innocence

waz a lover 

i made too much 
room for 

almost run off wit alla my stuff

& i didnt know i’d give it up so quick 

& the one runnin wit it

don’t know he got it 

& i’m shoutin this is mine 

& he dont 
know he got it 

my stuff is the anonymous ripped off treasure
 of the year

did you know somebody almost got away wit me

me in a plastic bag under their arm 

me 
danglin on a string of personal carelessness 

i’m spattered wit
 mud & city rain 

& no i didnt get a chance to take a douche

hey man 

this is not your perogative 

i gotta have me in my
 pocket 

to get round like a good woman should 

& make the poem
in the pot or the chicken in the dance

what i got to do

i gotta get my stuff to do it to

why dont ya find yr own things

& leave this package 
of me for my destiny

what ya got to get from me

i’ll give it to ya 

yeah 

i’ll give it to ya

round 5:00 in the winter 

when the sky is blue-red

& Dew City is gettin pressed 

if it’s really my stuff

ya gotta give it to me 

if ya really want it 

i’m 
the only one 

can handle it

A Lighter Lent

My little Lent, Advent, was so dark and so penitential that my actual Lent cannot help but to be lighter. From the dawn of the Christian year until now I have been keeping the observance of a holy Lent, by self-examination and repentance; by prayer, fasting, and self-denial; and by reading and meditating on God's holy Word. (BCP)
What more can I do?
There is always room for more self-denial! I have so much, do so much, want so much.
Yet this is a year of Sabbath for me, a personal and professional Yovel (Jubilee).
How can sabbath-keeping and Lenten discipline co-exist?

Feast of Saints Pepetua and Felicity

On this their Feast Day:

  Mothering God, Sovereign, Sustainer and Shelter of all the saints and we who are sinners, you strengthened your sun-kissed daughters of Africa, Perpetua and Felicity and their companions to confess your Name, encouraging one another  in their time of trial: Grant that we who cherish their blessed  memory may share their pure and steadfast faith, and win with  them the everlasting life; through Jesus Christ our Redeemer, who  lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever  and ever. Amen.

A Blessing for Those Who Study Torah

I love Torah (and torah). And while there is torah in Torah, not all Torah is torah.

I bless the source of life.

As I bless the source of life, so I am blessed. 

May my heart be lifted, my spirit refreshed, 

my understanding deepened by the study of Torah.

And may the words of Torah be sweet to me 

and to those who come after me,

And to all who follow after the God of Israel.

A Quranic Prayer

In the name of God, the Compassionate, the Merciful.

All praise belongs to God, Sovereign of all worlds,

the Compassionate, the Merciful, Ruler of Judgment Day.

It is You that we worship, and to You we appeal for help.

Show us the straight way, the way of those You have graced...

Al Fatihah 1:1-6

Mother of God, Hear Our Prayer

The Ever-Blessed Virgin Mary is a shining light that illumines my faith. Her communion brings me comfort and grace.

Mirror of justice, pray for us. Seat of wisdom, pray for us.

Cause of our joy, pray for us. Mystical rose, pray for us.

Tower of David, pray for us. Tower of ivory, pray for us.

Gate of heaven, pray for us. Morning star, pray for us.

Because sometimes, I can't even pray for myself.

A Faithful God

A simple, prayer; a simple creed:

Blessed are you, O God, our Sovereign, Ruler of the Universe, 

who remembers your covenant, 
is faithful to your covenant, and keeps your promise.

Of course, the ways in which God chooses to keep God's promises are frequently inexplicable and unfathomable.