Having a Holy Lent: Reboot

I have failed at Lent again.
I am failing.
I am/not a failure.
Starting over.
What will make me whole, holier?
That is what I shall do.
Having a holy Lent.
Starting over.

A Lenten Journey on the Road

This year I walked the way of the cross a long way from home. I found it easier to keep my Lenten commitments so far from my ordinary life. It's not that there were not temptations in my journeying-place. Perhaps it was that they were different temptations, ones that did not call me from my practices in the same ways as did the old familiar temptations.
I did struggle with the austerity of Lent in a place bursting with life and color and sun for which winter was only a brief series of passing rainstorms. I did not know how much I associated my North American winter with Lent.
On Palm Sunday I found myself in a place that could have supplied its own palms for that first Palm Sunday. I imagined the children and young men skinnying up those palm trees and pulling down branches, throwing them to the rest of us. In fact we walked on them on our way into the church. That moved me in a way none of my winter-turned-spring Palm Sundays at home ever have.
Then came the dark days of Triduum. Yet the days were not dark. The sun shone and the flowers bloomed and the birds sang. And the skies were blue. And the ocean lapped softly (and not so softly as the waves crashed on the rocks). I burned bundles of frankincense to remind myself of the sacrifice I was commemorating. I dressed in black. I entered the most austere phase of my Lenten fast. And still felt the joy of this beautiful place and I felt guilt for feeling that joy.
I remember walking the Way of Sorrows last year in Jerusalem. We walked through a busy market place, buying and selling, people everywhere, children running, men drinking coffee, women shopping - it was an outdoor mall. Stopping to touch the stones pray and remember while all around us life went on - very much as I imagine it had on that Friday two thousand years ago - was dizzying and somber. I felt like a spectacle and a tourist and a pilgrim. (I took the photo of the cross on top of the Golgotha church from the place where it is said Jesus would have first seen the place of his execution with the cross-stake implanted in the ground.) I draw on that experience for these days.
Here we walked around the church and on the holy ground of the burying place, finishing our prayers in the columbarium chapel among the cremains of the faithful. The walls were draped with living-and-dying flowers, witnesses to and promises of the Resurrection that will be located partially in that holy space, the footstep of heaven. There was something so powerful about proclaiming the death of Jesus while surrounded by the holy dead.
The life and death of Jesus took place in the midst of a world of living and dying, rejoicing and suffering. The world went on after his death and still it goes on...

Reflections on an Uneven (Unleavened?) Lenten Practice

The best way to ensure that I will not do something everyday is apparently for me to vow or even plan that I will do it every day. This is especially true for Lenten disciplines, even with Sundays off. This Lenten season was as those before, a fully incarnational experience. While it was not an intentional part of my practice (to fail or be unable to fully complete or preform the observances I had set), I did benefit from an increased awareness of my frailties and failings, my shared humanity. And, I did not beat myself up this year, (or at least not as much as in other years).
There were other benefits as well, even though I go to the gym several days a week, I had (and am having) a wonderful time walking almost every day, twice some days. I am seeing some slight but welcome changes in my body. I hope to keep walking when I return home, even though the scenery isn't as compelling. And at some point the weather back home will call that commitment into question. There is always the gym.
I even ate a little bit better. And that is so hard for a woman who doesn't cook much or well. I shall try to extend my commitment to eating at least one fresh, preferably raw, fruit, vegetable or serving of nuts a day. Sounds pitifully inadequate, doesn't it? Yet some days I couldn't even manage that. I'll also continue to give myself a day off. That helped with the guilt cycle.
On the other hand, I found a new way of praying that blesses my soul. And for that I am truly grateful.

More on the Jihad of Lent

I have previously blogged on the Jihad of Lent.
Today's struggle was occasioned by leaving the cocoon of my retreat space. As soon as I hit the city streets I thought of all the things I could eat! I didn't. Nor did I buy the piece of jewelry. I did pick up a few extra provisions that were permissible if I eat them appropriately - not all at once and having eaten what I was supposed to beforehand.
I am puzzled why being indoors here doesn't push me to mindless eating as it does at home. I am still surrounded by easy and less healthy choices. (And the last time I was here I certainly availed myself of them.)
Something is different now. Perhaps my intentionality, prayer and study are having a cumulative effect on my ability to practice self-denial. That would be nice.

OK, So I'm Not A Complete (Lenten) Failure

I am doing ever so much better with my Lenten resolutions. It seem that my recent change of scenery helped. I have fewer excuses for not exercising. (But if it were about making excuses, it shouldn't matter where I am.) I stocked up on fresh fruit and other healthy goodies (I did at home too, but here I'm eating them). I wonder if it's because I don't have a routine here and everything is new. I know exactly where to go for burgers and BBQ (which aren't off limits but greatly reduced and to be preceded by healthy "-ier" food). I wonder how much of it is simply being in a new place. As before, my prayer practices are rich and nurturing. And I am grateful. I am extra grateful that I no longer feel like a failure with regard to my sacrificial discipline. (And how sad is it that eating healthier is "sacrificial"!)

Failing at Lent

Is it possible to fail at observing Lent? When I'm feeling particularly theologically astute I think that my struggles with Lenten disciplines are reminders of my humanity and the frailty of my incarnation. Today I just feel like a failure. I'm doing well with my added spiritual disciplines. But my sacrificial disciplines are a mess. And the contentment I feel in the former does not compare to the angst I feel for the latter. I am trying to have a holy Lent. Right now it feels wholly holey. And so do I.

A Lighter Lent

My little Lent, Advent, was so dark and so penitential that my actual Lent cannot help but to be lighter. From the dawn of the Christian year until now I have been keeping the observance of a holy Lent, by self-examination and repentance; by prayer, fasting, and self-denial; and by reading and meditating on God's holy Word. (BCP)
What more can I do?
There is always room for more self-denial! I have so much, do so much, want so much.
Yet this is a year of Sabbath for me, a personal and professional Yovel (Jubilee).
How can sabbath-keeping and Lenten discipline co-exist?

The Jihad of Lent

I've forgotten how to fast, or at least that's how it feels in the jihad - holy struggle - that is my Lent.
My previous practices of self-denial have become so habitual that  they no longer seem worthy.
My new attempts are fledgling, flailing struggling, halting.

Have a holy lent.

Prayer. Check. More prayer. For a while.
Fasting. Trying. Successful. For now.
Introspection. Moments of clarity. In between and in-and-around the business of life.
Study. Yes. More. New. Different. Will it last?

Have a holy lent.

The big announcement - even if only to myself - this year I will do this, every day, every week, every month, for the whole season seems destined to failure.
Can one fail at Lent? Can one be too legalistic? Can one make an idol out of Lent?
Or are those excuses of a flesh that does not want to be denied.

Have a holy lent.